Tag: communication

Hello Aparna.

We don’t know each other though I have seen you on the Netflix show Indian Matchmaking. Something you said on the show has been bothering me for months. Hence this letter. Don’t dump it… read through please.

Your single-minded conviction to excel is impressive. You moved to the US with your mum and sis when you were a kid. Today, you are a young successful lawyer in Houston. Bravo! In search of a ‘perfect’ mate, you have networked with friends, tried dating apps, and now, hope to find one through the services of a matchmaker. And I sincerely wish you find your match soon!

And perhaps my ‘two-penny worth’ could help you in your quest? And who am I, you may ask, to advise you? Consider me a well-wisher who is happily married with two grown-up children and who would like to share her learnings from a life spent living with the same man for the last 30 years.

An interfering antiquated auntie? That I am not. DEFINITELY NOT!

*

You are right: we don’t pick our parents, we don’t pick our siblings, the only family member we CAN choose is our spouse. True. It’s a choice with lifelong repercussions. You seem to be a person with sound judgment; indeed, as you say, every choice you have made since the age of three has been great. Good for you. This will surely help you find the right man soon!

True. One can’t settle with just about anybody. And you have every right to reject men ‘because they haven’t fit with what I want in my life partner.’ But what really unsettles me is your single-minded steadfastness when you say that the person you pick has to fit into your life perfectly.

How does this happen Aparna? Is a perfect fit possible when two people come together?

You rejected one guy because he loved football and you hate it. You declared that you would never watch football with him, not live, not on TV. You didn’t think much either of the guy who had not heard of the salt plains of Bolivia or of the man who said he would like to visit Dubai and South Africa, both places you don’t think much of. You found it weird when someone expressed the wish to spend ten days on a beach, doing nothing. You were horrified by the prospect of going mountain climbing with another. Anyone with a sense of humor, according to you, does not take life seriously.

Aparna, each partner brings his or her own likes, dislikes, interests, obsessions, strengths, weaknesses into the relationship. Every individual is unique. Even congenital twins. So how can a spouse be exactly like you? Does one marry a clone?

My husband Atul and I are poles apart. He loves anything and everything to do with business, economics, politics, crime, war ~ be it news, books, movies, shows, documentaries. I am into nature, history, travel, space, art, literature, sci-fi and romcoms. I love shopping, he does not. I am crazy about movies, he is not. I love meeting people, he is unusually shy. He loves to eat out, I am a cook-and-eat-at-home person. He is committed to golf, I am not. I can go on and on about how different we are as individuals… Yet, our relationship resonates with happy togetherness.

Each one of us has learned from the other, experienced new things, widened our perspective and I seriously believe, grown into better individuals with time. And isn’t this how it should be when two people share a life? And this togetherness has taken days, months, years to nurture.

I request you Aparna to approach the matter differently…

Don’t be categorical about what you like and what you don’t. Instead, next time you meet a prospective match, ask yourself: Do I connect with this man? Because if you do, you can carve out a shared vision for your life together.

Communication is key. In all relationships. To talk, discuss, argue. To share your thoughts, to express your viewpoint. To sort out differences, to bridge the divide, to be able to reach an agreement. Especially since each partner brings his or her unique ideals, experiences and expectations into the marriage.

And once you do settle on a match, commit yourself wholeheartedly. Marriage then can be a wonderful journey where both of you grow without growing apart, without changing the other, without resenting the other.

*

Another thing on the show bothers me. The matchmaker Seema Taparia reiterates, time and again, that marriage is a compromise. I disagree.

Compromise implies giving in, relenting, resigning, succumbing, suffering, doing something against your will. Marriage is not a game of one-upmanship. You and your spouse are a team. If changing one’s ways helps the team, it is NOT compromise. It is charting a path with mutual agreement, even when at times, it may not be entirely suitable or convenient to one of them.

A married couple creates (or rather, needs to create) a life where strengths and weaknesses of one complement the other. Somewhat like Atul and me. Where his ethically motivated choices complement my aesthetically motivated ones such that, I am the action to his vision. He is the clarity to my clutter. I am the how to his why. He is the thinking to my feeling. I am the anchor to his industry. He is the contemplative to my reactive.

And it is this complementariness that secures and strengthens our relationship. That keeps us warm and secure in happy times, in trying times.

*

This letter has begun to sound like a sermon… forgive me Aparna. But I HAD to write it in the hope that it sets you thinking anew. And when you do find your special someone, remember: No decision can be de-risked completely, however much you think, deliberate, analyse. And once you do decide on your mate, will you be happy?

Well, who knows?

Hey Nate, How’s Life?

 

“Hey Nate, how’s life?” raps singer-songwriter NF as Akshay drives me home one day…

Akshay, can you put on some Hindi music, one song please? Mom, listen to this one, it’s very good… and resignedly, I sit back as the popular American rapper pelts out words from his latest album The Search. And, surprisingly, it begins to make sense…

 

The song is all about Nate Feuerstein (NF) as he examines the relevance of his existence and goes on a  ‘search’ for peace. He seeks to renounce fame acquired from endless shows and yearns to find hope and peace on a journey which he knows will be long and painful. Moved by his intense story, I realize that I have quite enjoyed the song, almost as much as Akshay.

And this is how it has always been. My children, Tanvi and Akshay, now 29 and 23, have introduced me to films, music, shows that I would never have considered watching in my wildest dreams. In fact, I would have remained blissfully unaware of their existence if not for them!

***

I am filled with nostalgia when I remember watching their childhood favorites ~ The Lion King, A bug’s Life, Baby’s Day Out, Sound of music, The Parent Trap… and then later, Tanvi’s romcoms ~ You’ve Got Mail, Wedding Planner, He’s Just Not That Into You, Sweet Home Alabama and soooo many others… and Akshay’s obsession with the Pirates of Caribbean series (he made me watch the first one six times!), Harry Potter, Batman and Avengers!  And surprisingly, they became my favorites too! Now, years later, I revisit these movies on my own and enjoy them all over again!

Avril Lavigne to Shakira to Beyonce I have heard them all; C21’s ‘You are stuck in my heart’ seems as poignant and melodious today as it did twenty years ago; Linkin Park’s In the End still fills me with despair with its haunting lyrics ‘I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…’ I remember shedding tears with Akshay when the band’s lead vocalist Chester Bennington died suddenly and shockingly in 2017!

We have sung the theme song from “Phantom of the Opera” at the top of our voices, music effects and all; we have hurled abuse from Pirates of the Caribbean “You scurvy dog!” at each other in jest and in temper; we have wondered whether Leonardo is still orbiting in his dream or has woken up…

***

To be honest, I can’t say I loved everything we watched together, or even most of it. Many a times, I would be woken rudely if I fell asleep during an episode at 2:30 am or scolded for asking questions during the movie or reproached for forgetting minor details… Yet, I will always be thankful because it fulfilled a larger role: it gave me the opportunity to forge common ground with my children.

As our children venture out and their interests go beyond ours, one of the ways to be in sync with them is to watch what they watch, sing what they sing, and do what they do. Or at least be an active participant in whatever interests them. When I think back on the time spent together discussing story lines, analysing characters, picking out flaws, speculating about sequels… I realize that it gave us common stuff to think about, talk about, joke about, wonder about… it made me a part of my children’s world. It helped me appreciate the way they think, the things that influence them, motivate them and sway them; their inspirations, their aspirations.  It helped them understand me better.  Our togetherness created a lifelong channel of open, uncritical and non-judgmental communication between us.

After all, isn’t the highly lamented ‘generation gap’ nothing but the inability of parents and children to find common ground?  And their failure to look at things from the other viewpoint? A communication gap that creeps in with age and time, inevitably?

A gap that can be bridged when parents enter and see their children’s world… as I did?

Here’s to being a part of our children’s life! Cheers!

bridging-communication-gap