Arham’s Monsters

A letter to my daughter

Dear Tanvi,

I love the 10-second videos you have been sending of baby Arham as he comes out of play school. We were all so apprehensive (and I am sure you and Garvit were too, perhaps even more than us) that you had enrolled him into a play school. Goodness, he is so young, all of eighteen months, was our first reaction. And he will cry and cry and not want to go at all, we were certain. And sure enough, he came out howling the first day of school. He cried more the next day, and even more the next… on the fourth, he was teary-eyed, and on the fifth, he smiled meekly at the young girl who escorts him out. Over the second week, we have watched with delight as Arham strides out the door, confident and happy.

And this is how it always is. The first time at school. You were the same. So was your brother. And I myself remember crying inconsolably as my mom walked out the door of my nursery school. This is an instinctive reaction to things never-seen-before, to situations not yet understood, to the monsters unknown… Who are these people? What is this place? Where are mom and dad? Why have they left me here? What will happen to me?

Slowly this newness gives way to familiarity… children soon realize that there is, after all, nothing to fear in these new surroundings ~ people here are quite all right, the boys and girls friendly, and the toys and games fun! Which is so evident now in the confident smile Arham beams up at you!

As Arham grows older, he will feel the same alarm, the same anxiety, the same agitation in every new situation he finds himself in… And he will always have two options. To step back, stay put, and avoid experiencing anything new. OR. To step forward, explore possibilities, and forge new paths for himself.

And this is where your role as a parent comes in. What you teach Arham, how you respond to situations, will model how he responds to anything and everything around him…

*

I love the way you let Arham saunter freely on the walk back from school, keeping close behind, as he picks up fallen fruit, examines stones, splashes through puddles, falls and picks himself up, points out tractors as they thunder past… If you were to keep cautioning him, you would curb this exploratory enthusiasm, you would rob him of all chances to grow. I like the way you let him venture forth, let him discover things, let him make his world bigger. I admire the way you curb your instinctive urge to protect him… and I am sure he will become a cheerful, confident individual in his own right.

*

Children feel fear… it’s a normal part of their development. They are afraid of the dark, loud noises, going to the doctor, and all the ghosts and imaginary creatures created by their vivid imagination. These fears are transient and will no doubt fade over time, but no childhood fear is ever small. No monster any less real or terrifying.

Welcome him when he seeks refuge in your lap; trust me, your reassurance at this moment is crucial in rebuilding his confidence. Never dismiss his fears as childish or dumb or irrational. Encourage him to share his fears with you. His fears are to be respected, not ridiculed at. They are to be acknowledged, not overlooked. They are to be explained, not belittled.

When Arham fears something or someone, as you did every time our bearded-turbaned neighbor visited us, ask him: What are you afraid of? Why are you afraid? See: there is nothing to be afraid of… It was only when we made you tickle our neighbor’s black bushy beard were you able to let go your fear of him. And when he tickled you back, he became your friend.

Teach Arham to ask himself: Why am I afraid?

Because only when he understands his fear, can he reason with it, deal with it. And feel competent enough to conquer it.

*

At times, you may have to tamp down your own ingrained fears as he ventures forth… Do not let your fears become his fears. Do not show him your fears. Just like I do when I see him running into a flock of feeding pigeons… Arham’s joy as hundreds of pigeons scatter and fly away in a mad flutter of wings keeps me from giving in to my own phobia of feathered birds.

Do you remember the first time your brother Akshay, not yet 13, went off alone on his first wildlife photography trip with a group of strangers? We had learned about this expedition barely two days ago… and there we were, on a hot summer afternoon at Nizamuddin station, meeting the couple who ran the tour and fifteen amateur photographers at least thirty years old, all strangers. Akshay had a wait-listed ticket and the train kept getting delayed hour by hour until it was nightfall. Both your father and I felt misgivings stir in our minds during the long wait, our anxiousness increasing by the minute. What if Akshay’s seat in the train could not be confirmed? Wouldn’t Akshay be totally isolated among the much older strangers? What if he had a problem? What if he needed something? How would he cope in the unknown jungle for an entire week? But we kept our disquietude to ourselves. How could we rob Akshay of the quiet composure he had exhibited throughout the day?

Akshay did leave on the train that day. And came back brimming with stories about his new friends, his new adventures, his new passion. Over the next two years, Akshay went on more than thirty expeditions in India and Africa. And published a 172-page-coffee table book on wildlife at the age of 16!

What great injustice would we have done Akshay if we had held him back… it was an important lesson for us too… a reiteration of the learning that what cannot be seen needs to be explored, not retreated from, not shied away from. Because on the other side of uncertainty, lies possibility.

Swallowing our own monsters, we had let him leave on that train that day, let him take the risk. We had let him create his own safety simply by letting him do things on his own. And then celebrated his sense of pride at mastering something new independently. And over the years, watched as he grew into a confident young man, comfortable in all situations, at home and away.

*

As Arham grows older, he will encounter fear at every juncture of life… When he leaves home for college, takes on a challenging job, moves to a new city, settles down with a partner, has children… he will then need all the tools he has learned over the years to decode his fears, unravel them one by one, overcome them. Only then, will he be an independent human being, capable of living his life to the utmost.

And now is the time he needs to begin assembling his toolkit; over the years, he will add on more and more till he is – to use Michelle Obama’s expression – ‘comfortably afraid’ in dealing with situations in life. So that he will emerge, again and again, with the strong conviction: I CAN DO IT!

With lots of love to you and Arham,

Mamma